Recently while doing a Google search of pole dancing + pre-teens + video (strictly to see if my SafeSearch was working properly), it came to my attention that a new craze is sweeping the nation: pole fitness.

The American Pole Fitness Association, the NBA of pole-dancing, held an event yesterday in Union Square to raise awareness about the sport and promote the upcoming American Pole Fitness Championships.

I love this for a couple of reasons:

1. As you know, I’ve always had an affinity for strippers. Two of my past wives were strippers.

2. This is being marketed to tweens and their parents as a great alternative to drugs, alcohol, sex and whatever other stupid shit that every normal teenager gets into. “I’m going to do whatever it takes to keep my daughter from being some whore on the street, even if that means dressing her up like some whore and putting her in the street” — I’m sorry, not just any street, but Union Square. That’s essentially the pederast nerve center of the eastern seaboard. Do you know how many sexual offenders live in that neighborhood? I do.

3. If this thing actually does catch on as a real sport, it’s one more cake-gold-medal for the US at the Olympics. Who can produce more gum-smacking dirty debutantes with daddy issues than we can? Not the Middle East, that’s for fuckin’ sure. Maybe Russia, but all the good ones defected here anyway since they got tired of having bread crumbs and soup mix put into their g-strings as tips. China could be a major player, but their gymnasts just don’t have that “don’t think past tomorrow” skanky X factor that the Mountain and Central time zones produce.

You might as well have an Olympic event measuring a contender’s ability to drunkenly navigate a Suburban through a Taco Bell drive-thru while talking on a cell phone. It would be like fishing with fucking nukes. Sure the fish are radioactive and we can’t eat them, but who came out on top? Not the fish, that’s for damn sure.